time

The day of which I have spoken (and which has caused me to cower in the corner in a near-catatonic state) is here. Today, I am thirty; three decades old. Good heavens. Though I talk the hype, I'm really not all that depressed about this new decade, just rather contemplative, I guess. It's not so much that I'm getting older, but that everyone else is also. That part of it makes me, not sad, but thoughtful, I guess. Anyway! No more gloom and woe! Today is my birthday! I've had birthday cookie, loud serenades from The Man, and the usually piss and vinegar (followed up by her trademark wet kisses) from the Beans. That alone makes this a happy, happy day. Dinner tonight and a jacuzzi bath with a good book? Well, that's just the icing on the cake (or cookie, as it were).

I've been meaning to do that 100 things about me thing that I've seen on several other blogs, but I was saving it for my 100th post, and that sort of already slipped down the tube, so why not now?

1. I was born in 1978.


2. I had a menagerie of pets as a kid that included dogs, cats, rabbits, fish, gerbils, and a featherless chicken. All indoors (though not at the same time). My poor mother.


3. With the exception of the cat and dog, they all died.


4. My grandmother used to wear hotpants and be a "barmaid;" her words, not mine.


5. Wonder Woman underoos was my uniform of choice.


6. I ate only peanut butter sandwiches for almost a decade.


7. My mother, in an attempt to save me from death by peanut butter, included many healthy toppings to my PB like PRUNES.


8. I tested positive for the TB germ in first grade, and now I have to have an x-ray to disprove TB.


9. I wore casts on both feet when I was seven-months-old to correct their alignment (Forrest Gump anyone? Shut UP!)


10. I hated my childhood neighbors, the Howells, because they were assholes. They still are.


11. I used to love climbing willow trees and catching caterpillars.


12. I also liked to tear worms in half and watch them crawl away (but not anymore, thankfully.)


13. I used to be a messy packrat. My drawers were filled with dirty clothes, wadded up tests from school, and crumbled makeup. Today, that may send me into a coma.


14. My sister and I still fight. Everyone always predicted we'd grow out of it, but no. Still going strong.


15. One time I knocked her off a chair causing her to require x-rays, and told my parents she fell. I only recently copped to the truth.


16. I used to hear my heart beating at night when trying to fall asleep and thought it meant I was going to croak.


17. I found out there was no Santa Clause in fifth grade when the telephone he left me caused me to go into hysterics because it wasn't the Baby Alive I really wanted.


18. I was a cheerleader in eighth grade. A cheerleader who couldn't backflip or split. I was quite useful, I'm sure.


19. I used Sun-In on my hair after my mother told me not to, and she refused to have it corrected when it started to grow out. It was a sight. As if seventh grade wasn't painful enough.


20. I cannot stand walking barefoot on any surface.


21. I hate pedicures.


22. I LOVE massages (by Damien, master of the massage, but I digress. No, Damien is not my husband, but we both - E and I - love him just the same.)!


23. I wanted to be a lawyer.


24. I ended up being an English teacher who really wanted to be an English professor, but it was more school than I wanted at the time.


25. I loathed teaching.


26. I really liked lesson planning, but was none too fond of the actual students.


27. No, I will not be going back to the classroom when the kids are older. Trust me, the world is better for it.


28. I've worn glasses since fourth grade, but now I wear contacts.


29. I've never broken a bone, but I really wanted a cast when I was kid (besides the foot ones. Shut up.).


30. My pediatrician's name was Dr. Raper. Seriously.


31. I have never liked fizzy drinks which saved me from ever getting hooked on soda.


32. I puked on a Denny's table our first morning in Disney World.


33. I had a Dukes of Hazzard big wheel.


34. I wanted to move to California. My sister wanted to live next to my parents. Now, she lives in CA and I'm next to my parents. Wheeee!


35. I am extremely nosy, and I love to snoop.


36. I took photos of my SIL's affair from our front porch, and they were used in my BIL's divorce procedings.


37. I like taking photos (though not of sil's having affairs).


38. I think Billy Bob Thornton is hot. And a skank.


39. I've never kissed a girl.


40. I have smoked cigarettes.


41. I never envisioned myself having kids.


42. I'd like to have five or six, but I can't/won't.


43. I love going to the gym.


44. I hate going to the gym.


45. I don't like summer squash because it reminds me of dead caterpillars.


46. I love dark chocolate.


47. I read Malcolm X when I was in the sixth grade.


48. Toni Morrison and Maya Angelou are two of my favorite authors.


49. I love Medieval literature.


50. Twelfth Night is my favorite work by Shakespeare.


51. I used to have dreams of marrying Davy Jones (from The Monkees).


52. In kindergarten, I was in love with a twin named Scott.


53. In first grade, Eddie Houser gave me his mother's diamond ring so we could be married.


54. She wanted it back.


55. I've never been in a fight at school, thank the lord.


56. I don't have any tattoos or piercings.


57. When I was a sophomore, the health teacher's adult daughter pierced my bellybutton with an earpiercing gun.


58. I broke my pinky toe on the balance beam in gymnastics.


59. I also used to take baton.


60. My parents owned a fruit and vegetable market, and I was a cashier as young as nine.


61. I ran over a mailbox when I first got my license. My sister and our dog were with me, and I left them to walk home.


62. The last concert I went to was Belleville Oufit. The one before that was ten years earlier, and it was REO Speedwagon and Foreigner.


63. I'd like to live in England.


64. I don't like hot weather.


65. I enjoy being snowed in.


66. I love wearing boots and scarves.


67. I don't like sweating.


68. I'm having a very hard time thinking of anything else.


69. I don't like movies. I haven't watched a movie in years.


70. I love biographies and documentaries.


71. I loved being pregnant in spite of the chaos.


72. I stuck myself in the belly with a needle every day for nine months, and I didn't mind it.


73. I wanted to stick my MIL in the belly with a needle, and I would've loved it.


74. I didn't like the MIL from the first time I met her.


75. I adore my FIL.


76. My first car was an '87 Mustang. My dad bought it from my grandmother's best friend from New Orleans.


77. The first car I bought was a Honda Civic.


78. I learned to ride a bike when I was eight-years-old.


79. I don't like riding bikes now because I have no balance.


80. My mother made me get my ears pierced when I was in second grade.


81. I haven't worn earrings since sixth grade.


82. I went on an eighth grade class trip to Disney World and made out with my boyfriend on the way back.


83. It was a good trip!


84. I love the smell of grapefruit and citrus.


85. I hate the smell of flowers.


86. I have one living grandparent.


87. She turned eighty in September.


88. I bought her a pair of UGGs for her birthday because she asked for them.


89. She had a crippled parakeet named Petey when I was little.


90. I hated that bird.


91. I was attacked by a mockingbird in college. It pulled out my hair.


92. I don't like birds. They remind me of dinosaurs.


93. I love a clean house, but I don't like cleaning; despite doing it everyday.


94. I can't believe I'm this old.


95. I don't like that all the women on commercials are my age. It makes me feel even older.


96. I've gone to church my whole life with the exception of a handful of years.


97. I loved MC Hammer. Note the use of the past tense.


98. I love clothes, but more for the colors and fabrics than the actual clothes.


99. I'd love to be an interior decorator. Or a secret, undercover, organizing agent.


100. I'm finished!

Now, I'm off to indulge in just one more piece of birthday cookie!