Sorting through the rubble

I have slowly started to sort through the memories locked away in that dark hidden part of my mind. .. the part I don't ever let people see
I try to hide the damage it's done in fear of what they might think how they may react
Will they they see the same broken mess..the disaster I've  become ??
OR the beautiful disaster I try to hold together??

I don't know if I'll ever fully heal  ..... if  I will every truly love me. ...
But I do know I can look at the two beautiful babies  I brought into this world and know they won't be broken like me. ...

One of those days

Today  was one of those days I just wish I could act like it never happened .... So tonight alcohol is my friend..

How can it feel so wrong?

I'm at a point in my life where I feel I need to do what is best for me... regardless of what other People want.... because i have ALWAYS put other peoples happiness in front of my own.. and i can't do that anymore... I have been through alot in my life, that over the years had me convinced that i didn't deserve to be happy, that i shouldn't be loved, because I have hated myself so much over the years for letting myself go through some of the stuff that I did. But that stops here and now....I finally realize that even though I am battered an bruised and i have scars, I am NOT broken, and I refuse to let my past define my present , or my future.... 

I have always been told I am to nice, I am to forgiving, I wear my heart on my sleeve, which i guess it probably true, but i wouldn't be me if i wasn't. 

My counselor told me the other day that i am like a house that was wrecked in a tornado, that there is still one room standing, but that one room is surrounded by the rubble, of all the things i have struggled through and been through, over the years.... and that i need to break through that rubble so i can rebuild the pieces of me, the pieces of my House.... So I can again feel whole. I am not sure how I will get there , but i know one of these days i will.... 

It's time for me to think of me, and what I want.  What i need to do to make myself happy and the scary things is , the thought of being happy terrifies me. People ask me all the time what would make me happy, what do i want , and i happy, and the truth is I DONT KNOW, I have spent my life basing my happiness on everyone elses but my own.  Feeling like in order to feel worth something i needed to be making sure someone else was happy....

 I have some people in my life who think my life is a revolving door, that they can tell me off when they are pissed and come back when its convenient for them, and expect everything to be okay... well not anymore... BECAUSE i realize I DO deserve BETTER, And i wont settle for any less... And if the people in my life love me and they care they will understand, and be there for me, if not than it's time i let them go....

Because this is my time, to find me ....

 Why does it feel so wrong???

So lost....

I AM SITTING HERE ... trying to figure out where I went wrong. What did I do to make things so complicated? What do I need to do to uncomplicate things.....?? I feel like I am a Puzzle, and some of the pieces are lost in different times of my life, and i don't know how to get them back... is it selfish for me to feel I need to find them? not knowing how it will effect others? and there lives and where they are now? 

I miss the days when bills and decisions were just something I one day dreaded having to make,  when all i had to worry about was chicken nuggets or cheeseburgers....  Life was so much simpler than.

Its days like these that make me wish my grandpa was here with me, here to tell me it might just be okay and that even though I am a screw up  He still loves me anyway....

 There are some days where I wish I could just go back to bed and disappear... this is one of them.... My world is crashing in so fast I fear it will bury me alive.......

Fav quote

As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives. - Henry David thoreau