I'm at a point in my life where I feel I need to do what is best for me... regardless of what other People want.... because i have ALWAYS put other peoples happiness in front of my own.. and i can't do that anymore... I have been through alot in my life, that over the years had me convinced that i didn't deserve to be happy, that i shouldn't be loved, because I have hated myself so much over the years for letting myself go through some of the stuff that I did. But that stops here and now....I finally realize that even though I am battered an bruised and i have scars, I am NOT broken, and I refuse to let my past define my present , or my future....
I have always been told I am to nice, I am to forgiving, I wear my heart on my sleeve, which i guess it probably true, but i wouldn't be me if i wasn't.
My counselor told me the other day that i am like a house that was wrecked in a tornado, that there is still one room standing, but that one room is surrounded by the rubble, of all the things i have struggled through and been through, over the years.... and that i need to break through that rubble so i can rebuild the pieces of me, the pieces of my House.... So I can again feel whole. I am not sure how I will get there , but i know one of these days i will....
It's time for me to think of me, and what I want. What i need to do to make myself happy and the scary things is , the thought of being happy terrifies me. People ask me all the time what would make me happy, what do i want , and i happy, and the truth is I DONT KNOW, I have spent my life basing my happiness on everyone elses but my own. Feeling like in order to feel worth something i needed to be making sure someone else was happy....
I have some people in my life who think my life is a revolving door, that they can tell me off when they are pissed and come back when its convenient for them, and expect everything to be okay... well not anymore... BECAUSE i realize I DO deserve BETTER, And i wont settle for any less... And if the people in my life love me and they care they will understand, and be there for me, if not than it's time i let them go....
Because this is my time, to find me ....
Why does it feel so wrong???
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